The Style Invitational Week 1012: The news at 5
By Pat Myers, Thursday, March 7, 1:13 PM
North Korea for summer vacation,
That passing-a-gallstone sensation
And intestinal flu
Are all comparable to
The appeal of this damned sequestration.
We’re still basking in the
glow of last week’s 20th-anniversary retrospective, which brimmed with
tantalizing tidbits from dozens of our more than 1,000 contests over the years.
Among them were two limericks that made us thirst for a swig of more
five-liners to tide us over till our annual Limerixicon in August. This week:
Write a limerick about a recent news event, as in the example above. You may
add a title or a lead-in line, but the limerick can’t require a lot of
accompanying explanation. See wapo.st/limrules for guidelines for what we look
for in a limerick.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives this really cool and ooky squeeze ball; not only
do yellow-goo-filled clear plastic bubble things force their way through the
mesh of the ball when you squeeze it, but it also makes an appropriately
disgusting noise while doing so. Donated in the middle of a
restaurant by Loser Dave Prevar. This ball has already been pre-squeezed
many times by the Empress during the editing of last week’s Invitational.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, March 18; results published April 7 (online April 4). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1012” in your e-mail subject line
or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline for the “next week’s
results” line is by Brendan Beary. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 1008, in which we asked you to rearrange the words of a
movie title and describe the resulting new film:
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
The Kwai on the River Bridge:
Barbara Walters narrates a moving story of two lovers saying goodbye above the
Seine. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
2. Winner of the
brown-and-white soap labeled “Butt” and “Face”:
Ralph It, Wreck!: A
less-than-compassionate sidekick counsels a rock star through her latest
drinking binge. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
3. Rich Little, Poor Girl: An aging impressionist tricks young women
into blind dates by imitating Ryan Gosling, Daniel Craig, George Clooney and
Justin Bieber. (Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)
4. Wonderful? It’s a Life: Grandpa Irving pooh-poohs being in the
Greatest Generation. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)
In Translation: Lost — honorable mentions
About 10, I Hate You
Things: The story of a frazzled day-care
provider. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
The Spider, Amazing, Man: Cheech and Chong
contemplate their pet tarantula. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield,
Va.)
The Fear of Wages: A hedge fund manager has nightmares about
having his income taxed like his secretary’s. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)
How Stella Got Her Back
Groove: Dangers of a wrinkled mattress
pad. (Ellen Ryan)
Sarah Forgetting
Marshall: Ms. Palin attempts to name all
the black Supreme Court justices in U.S. history. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
High Times at Ridgemont
Fast: Hilarity ensues when David and
Sara smuggle marijuana into Yom Kippur services. (Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md., a
First Offender)
The Presidents: All Men: A 2017 film about the way things used to be.
(Janelle Gibb, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
The Queen — African?: Birthers challenge
Elizabeth II. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
The Mile Green: A documentary about the world’s most
difficult Putt-Putt hole. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)
Who’s Dinner Coming To? Guess!: Sadistic parents
pit siblings against each other at mealtimes. (Howard
Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
Weeks Later, 28: Innocently enough, parents get their daughter
two mice for Christmas. . . (Brendan Beary)
From Eternity to Here?: A Buddhist dung
beetle contemplates how big a jerk he must have been in his previous life.
(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Talk, Pillow!: A lonely woman
wishes her most intimate partner would just love her back. (Kathye
Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)
Lovers of the Last Red
Hot: Two amorous moviegoers share the
piece of candy stuck at the bottom of the package. (Jeff
Loren, Manassas, Va.)
Paris Last in Tango: Sobbing and screaming, Hilton bombs on
“Dancing With the Stars.” (Brian Allgar, Paris)
Jedi of the Return: An elite group of consumers gets full refunds
on unwanted merchandise — without the original store receipts! (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Girl Wants a What?: Dad thinks he’s taking his daughter to
Piercing Palace to get her ears done, but Little Princess has other ideas
. . . (Brendan Beary)
Wants What? A Girl?: Gay dads face the
reality that their figure-skater son is straight. (Pam
Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
Austin Man: Mystery of
International Powers: Rick Perry
realizes he only has until 2016 to learn something about world events. (Brendan
Beary)
Iron the Lady: An evil dermatologist finds a new way to rid
women of wrinkles. (Tzvia Berrin-Reinstein, Boston, a First Offender)
Can’t You Take It With You?: Woman hopes to get
rid of boyfriend and ugly couch all at once. (Susan Thompson,
Cary, N.C.)
Dirty the
Dozen: The Rugrats struggle to adapt to
training pants. (Russell
Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
Place Peyton to Return: The Denver Broncos shock fans by putting
their quarterback on special teams. (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md., a First
Offender)
Do the Thing Right: After 30 years of marriage, Louise decides to
give Hank some feedback on his performance. (Jeff Brechlin,
Eagan, Minn.)
The Hunter Deer: Bambi changes his name to Bambo and seeks
revenge. (Gary Crockett)
Sing? Sing in 20,000
Years: A documentary that answers the
question “When should Kathie Lee Gifford sing?” (William C.
Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
The Lightness of Being
Unbearable: Self-help video on how to
become less tense by telling people what you really think of them. (Barrie
Collins, Long Sault, Ontario)
Me Stand By:
Cookie Monster loiters outside a Pepperidge Farm factory. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Washington Goes to Mr.
Smith: The nation’s capital is auctioned
off to cut the deficit. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
Sixty Gone in Seconds: The hall is almost full when Joe Biden starts
his speech, but . . . (Barbara
Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Eight Out
Men: Major League Baseball is
scandalized, until everyone promptly gets over it. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)
Show the Truman!: The alleged
cover-up in the search for a new Nationals mascot (Craig Dykstra, Centreville,
Va.)
I Shrunk the Kids’
Honey: New York Mayor Bloomberg starts
limiting container sizes for ALL sweet consumables. (Trevor
Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Kids, I Shrunk the
Honey: One family manages just fine on
unsweetened tea. (James Kruger, Butha-Buthe, Lesotho, a First Offender)
50 Dates First: Sally starts
to wonder if she might be waiting a little too long before “putting out.” (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.)
Good Hunting, Will: Prince Charles sends his son to Dick Cheney’s
ranch for a long weekend. (Andrew Ballard, London)
And Last: Dog the Wag: The never-ending pursuit of a Style
Invitational Loser by his obsessed fans. (The Famed Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Next week: What’s in a Name,or
Collected Letters of ...